The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Tuesday
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.