I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite