I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Bring back the McRib
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.