FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.