One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
pictures of spider-man
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡