You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall