[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*updates tinder bio*