Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
what it’s like dating me:
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My dad is at it again
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside