A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
A family that plays together cheats.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.