Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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How to make infinite energy.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends