Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*