Ha.
You Might Also Like
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*