[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose