Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
inventing words: clothing
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”