The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The Onion called it…again.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on