Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Woke up against my better judgement again
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level