The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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Cool shirt 🙂
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I enjoy a good short stor
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy