You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
You Might Also Like
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Thursday Thought.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
channeling her this year
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?