I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”