in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*puts my mental health in rice
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
When ur friends with white people
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
This cat wants you to take your pills