Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.