Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.