[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Always…
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.