Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage