Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You Might Also Like
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Phones down.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
fair
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…