7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
You Might Also Like
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion