While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
what
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about