paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”