me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.