So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
#SaturdayBears
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh