This is so funny 馃ぃ I was crying!
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Always 馃ゴ
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it鈥檚 like she鈥檚 here watching over me
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I told her, no I don鈥檛 want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you鈥檝e had so far
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don鈥檛 worry, we鈥檙e gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let鈥檚 see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.