[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
You Might Also Like
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.