“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.