Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Namaste
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs