Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Encore…
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times