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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.