*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
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*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.