It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*