A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Rooting for the overdog
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
get you a girl who
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.