And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
no refunds
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler