The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*