“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I wanna be friends with this person
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat