me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
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Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
so this horse walks into a bar
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges