A customer told me they were never coming back….
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint