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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.