My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.