4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g