If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Someone just threatened to call me later