You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
It has been 3 years since Monday.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Dear Lord..
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.