*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
You Might Also Like
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Thursday
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside